chase this light

it’s the small things that bring out the big breakdowns. i miss you dad. i miss you so much it hurts. i miss the random times of watching tv together, you seemed so big and i was so small. i miss you teaching me to wipe my nose on my shirt sleeve if i was in a situation where i was about to have snot drip out my nose and couldnt get a tissue. i miss mom giving you crap for it. but most of all, i miss the memories, i miss having memories with you. 

i hate that i didn’t go to the cemetery when i was home, i couldn’t even muster the courage to go on fathers day, and couldn’t handle the breakdown during labor day.

I’m sick. i miss family. what is family, I feel like I’ll never know. dad, can i wake up and have this be all a dream? hey dad, i watched a 9/11 video today. you know what was special about 9/11? you were alive. you were with me. on that chair in the living room, you were fucking there and now you’re not and it SUCKS.

hey dad, a year ago exactly, i packed all my bags and moved out here. guess what? everyone had both their parents helping them move in, except me. you weren’t here to help. you can’t be. hey dad, I’m debating graduating at three years. but you won’t be at my graduation so it won’t even matter.

dad, are you even proud of me? i hate that i’ll never know

dad, i wish you were here. it’s not fair. you know, after you died i kept wishing i could die for a day to experience how it feels to be dead, but i’d want to come back to life. i just wish i knew you were okay, ya know? i wish i had some sort of ties to religion to make me feel better rather than thinking of your body rotting in the ground. it can’t be that way. everything about religion may seem like crap, but i can’t swallow the fact of you. decomposing. i cant handle that and it’s the one reason i feel like i believe in something. but i was eight when i started having those wishes, those nightmares at time, and now im eighteen, still having the same. i hope you’re okay. i really do. and i wish you were here. it’s not fair dad. not at all.