chase this light

anamemyname:

what they say about missing things only when you lose them or they’re gone.

I realized last night just how much I owe to my family. They’ve seen me through so much, yet they still haven’t given up on me, even though it would be so easy for them to do so.

If not for them, I wouldn’t be here right now, living, breathing, and writing this thing.

this. as many problems as I have with my family, they are the reason I’m here and still going so strong. my sister, paved the path to leave and it became footsteps to not necessarily follow, but it showed that if she could, i could. my brother, who is ALWAYS there to talk to me after I’ve had a bad day or want to share something exciting, and my mom who legitimately encouraged me to leave, and find new and better things, and that’s why I’m here, it wouldn’t work any other way. and I’m so incredibly lucky for that.

(Source: hellomartianscape)

they aren’t as great as you think.

“Every once in a while, people step up they rise above themselves sometimes they surprise you and sometimes they fall short. ”

“it’s okay to be confused, there’s nothing wrong with it”

my big brother (well he’s 22 and I’m 18) told me this, what, sophomore year of highschool when we were fighting and our fight essentially came down to me being a shitty person and hating the person I was and not knowing how to change it and just being confused on like every real aspect of life like who I am and what I’m supposed to do. but essentially, mental breakdown day, LOL. but like i love this because of how true it is. I mean like, it’s not so okay to be confused 24/7 with calculus, btu when it comes to real life, it’s really…okay. especially when it comes to like the future. it’s normal not to know what you’ll do with the rest of your life, whether the path you’re on is the best thing, whether you’ll be successful, whether you’re making the right choice, what college you want to go to, what you want to major in, how you’ll use a degree, and what the point of it all is. it’s okay. and being in high school and college being surrounded by people who seem to know what they’re doing and seem confident in every aspect of their academics, what grad school they’ll go to, what kind of doctor they’ll be, what major they’ll have (80% of people at UCSB change their major) and whatnot, like it’s scary to not know. but it’s really okay and it’s so comforting when you realize that it isn’t the world, which it really shouldn’t be…idk, does this make sense?  

• started yesterday, baked cupcakes with my best friend that I’ve literally known forever. like our parents were tight in college so we’ve grown up together
• my sister called me last night around one (I was up till 2:30, so it’s not like she woke me up, but it was really exciting)
• got up forreal at like 10:30 and my best friend from when I lived in Russia, and her sister sang me happy birthday over skype
• my mom made me breakfast because I was too lazy
• GILMORE GIRLS WAS ON OMG I LOVE GILMORE GIRLS YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND
• then i went back to sleep LOL
• my brother almost jumped on me but my mom stopped him because of my broken toe!
• present from him-money, provided i use it to get a bike. FUCK YEAH. this also frees up fifty bucks of xmas/new years money that i had been holding onto to get that bike
• talked to my grandma on the phoneee awhh she remembers my birthday and not my mom’s BAHAHHAHAH
• tutti frutti with the best friend and her sister. ran into a family friend and that was awkward but still. made my friend’s sister run inside to throw away our froyo cups, and then we got in the car and backed out and hid around the corner. my friend’s sister came out and freaked out when she couldn’t find us. SO FUNNY.
• present from her-COFFEEMAKER. omg you guys don’t understand how much greater life will be when I bring this back to my dorm room, coffee makers aren’t allowed in the dorms, but what they don’t know won’t hurt them.
• family friends came over and we went to chili’s (HONEY CHIPOTLE CHICKEN CRISPERS). they embarrassed me and I turned bright red. trufax
• oh yeah and my brother got carded when he got a beer. idk why it was so funny but it was. i mean he’s 22 but still.
• present from fam friends-starbucks cup+giftcard. FUCK YEAH
• grey’s anatomy tonight :D :D :D (I recorded it, I’m going to watch it soon)
• OH AND ANOTHER GREAT PART-my mom’s cousin is like 32 but she’s awesome and i know there’s a generation gap but she’s the coolest person alive and I haven’t seen her since the beginning of august, and I get to see her tomorrow. it’s not really a birthday present but I miss her and I’m STOKED to see her

I guess overall, it was great to spend the day with my family. that’s how most birthdays are around my household though, and every year it’s still awesome and great

I still can’t believe I’m eighteen though…like dang

“Acceptance. I know that all the kids in the glee club they…fight, and they steal each other’s boyfriends and girlfriends, and they threaten to quit like, every other week, but weird stuff like that happens in families. Family is a place where everyone loves you, no matter what. And they accept you for who you are.”

9 facts about my family

1. I’m mixed! my mom’s side goes back to turkey and my dad’s side goes back to pakistan and india
2. one sister, there was a period of time where i hated her guts…it’s pretty much over, hopefully i’ll get to see her during spring break :D
3. one brother, we’re not on speaking terms at the moment, but uhh, we’re either really tight or really…not tight, our personalities just tend to clash when he thinks he’s this mega authority figure
4. my mom and i…,she wants the best for me and i know sometimes i make it difficult. when we fight, it tends to do with the fact that she grew up in turkey and i grew up in the states, there are definite cultural clashes as well as the generation gap
5. my mom encouraged me to go to ucsb, sixteen hundred miles away
6. my dad…died of pancreatic cancer ten years ago. i can’t remember much and that’s what kills me the most.
7. I’m really tight with my mom’s cousin, who is like thirty, and she’s one of the few people i can always tell what’s on my mind
8. I’m tighter with my second cousins who live in london than my first cousins who live in dallas
9. my family is the opposite of normal. lie idek how to explain it, we’re dysfunctional in a way that somehow just ends up working…

wish you were here, everything would be so…different, amazing, manageable, etc etc

under the cut, if you care

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essentially trying to get me to admit i was wrong/suck at life/whatever

no. fuck family. fuck those perfect poster families, they all have issues that none of us can see anyways

and second…true family isn’t genetics. true family is so much more, its those who you find comfort and home in, the people that you know will always support you and have your back and that doesn’t have to be the person who gave you birth or the person you share biological parents with or any of that. those may be part of your true family but they aren’t what defines it. not by any means

a good chunk of the reason I went so far away from college was to avoid being home more than i had to.

can we just fast forward 26 days till I turn 18? and then I can manage the two days after that before getting back to california.